zenmama

Dear son,

One day, you’ll read this. I hope it tells you what I’ve never quite managed to say in person: how much you mean to me.

Maybe you don’t remember the days when it was just mummy spending time with you—reading you stories, singing, playing, or preparing nice meals for you. It was tiring, but you were the best parts of my day. 

Before your baby brother came along, it was just you and I exploring the world, and I loved it. But I remember you before I knew what it meant to be a mother. I remember learning about you, one day at a time. I remember the little things you did that made me laugh, the things that only I seemed to understand, and all the ordinary moments that didn’t feel important then but somehow became some of my most precious memories.

You gave me the best title ever: mummy. You didn’t just teach me to become a mother. You taught me to become a better version of myself; more patient, more resilient, and more capable than I ever thought I could be. 

Then your baby brother came along, and suddenly, things became noisier and busier. Our time together became less. The attention you once had from me was now split between you, your brother, the household, and trying to build something of my own.

I noticed every time I said that I had to go elsewhere for a bit, I saw your little face fall. I knew you understood, but understanding doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt. I’d love for you to know that you have never mattered less. 

If anything, becoming a mother to you changed the way I understood love. You were the first person who showed me that my heart could belong so completely to someone else, and when your brother came along, my heart didn’t divide into two. It grew. You are my firstborn, and you will always mean something special to me.

Even though our time together is shorter now, I’d love for you to know just how proud I am of you. 

You’re compassionate, you love your baby brother to bits and you’re always ready to help mummy and papa when we’re in distress. You care about the littlest things like a spider you caught and proudly set free in the bushes outside our home. You’re also so perceptive and you know exactly what you want. It’s so hard to get you to change your mind once it’s set. Sometimes, it drives mummy a little crazy. But I hope you never lose that determination. I hope you grow up knowing your own mind, standing up for what you believe in, and having the courage to follow your own path.

Thank you for being the bestest firstborn son I could ever ask for. 

With love (and lots of hugs and kisses),

mummy