zenmama

The house was suddenly quiet. For the first time in 19 months, I sat alone in my living room, not rushing to feed, clean, or entertain. My toddler had just started preschool––and with that tiny goodbye wave, a part of me felt lost. Without the constant demands of motherhood filling every hour, I was left with too much time, and not enough direction, and feeling an overwhelming loss of identity beyond being a full-time stay-at-home mama. I had a lot of time on my hands with a laundry list of aspirations, but no clear direction. Through countless rejections and disappointments, I fell into a dark pit of self-doubt and struggled to pick up the pieces. This is a story about a stay-at-home mama rediscovering myself through adversity, with the hope of supporting mamas who may be going through the same.

Enrolling our child into the Singapore early education system

In Singapore, early education starts as young as four months in Infant Care, progressing through to Kindergarten before Primary School at age 7. Though many parents choose early enrollment to return to work, my husband and I decided I would stay-home to home school our child until 2 years old.

However, when he turned 10 months old, my husband and I realised how much he loved spending time with other people and would try to socialise with them by babbling and reaching out to them. He loved people and made friends easily. He also grew more curious about the world, and we felt it was time for him to leave the nest and attend preschool. 

We decided on Playgroup (18 months to 3 years old) to give us ample time to hunt for a school that matched our criteria––one that prioritised the social and mental developments of a child instead of academia. We also wanted a school that encouraged creativity and exploratory learning. While academia is important, at 18 months, we didn’t think it was overly crucial, instead we believed that a happy child is a confident one.

After looking at many schools, we finally found a school that matched our criteria, and enrolled our child in at 19 months old, and have never looked back since! He enjoys school and loves socialising with his friends across the stages, as well as the teachers. In a span of four months attending school, he has been calling out for his friends and teachers at home, and has increased his vocabulary to speak in short sentences too! Amazing. We’re so proud of our little guy!

Challenges since gaining my new-found freedom

While he was thriving in his new environment, I was met with an unexpected silence, and a wave of uncertainty I wasn’t prepared for. Being a stay-at-home mother has its perks––I’m my child’s go-to parent for comfort and snuggles. I enjoy being his most trusted comfort and I know someday he’ll grow out of it and gain independence, and I know that I’ll cross that bridge when it comes. Before my child attended school, I spent every waking minute with him; I had little to no time to myself, and the little time I had was used sparingly to run household errands or build zenmama. 

When my child attended preschool, I found myself with a lot of time. I was so excited to get down to the long laundry list of aspirations––from building zenmama and growing a social presence, to exploring ways to earn an income. The list was never ending! There are so many things I wanted to get done, with no focus. And I felt really lost. For months, I couldn’t get anything completed as I focused on too many things at one time.

I also felt miserable from watching my bank account drop each month and being rejected constantly from each job application. It’s demoralising. Thoughts of inadequacy and rejection plagued me, and to date I struggle to keep above it all and show a brave front for my little family. Hiding and not talking about it, had its consequences. When the night fell and all went quiet, I would get lost in my thoughts of inadequacy and wallow in my own bed of self pity. Miserable, right?

Finding my way forward 

After months of spinning my wheels and feeling like I was getting nowhere, I began taking small steps to reclaim myself. The journey out of self-doubt has been gradual rather than immediate. Here are some things that have helped:

1. Establishing a sacred routine

Each morning, after school drop-off and breakfast, I spent time journaling and organising my thoughts. This daily habit keeps me grounded and intentional.

2. Practicing self-compassion

The identity crisis is real and valid. I had to remind myself to give myself grace. Since I spent months defining myself primarily through motherhood, it takes time to expand that identity. I had to remind myself that worth isn’t measured by productivity or paychecks.

3. Starting small

Rather than tackling everything at once, I chose to be more intentional about focusing my energy. I’ve narrowed my focus to two meaningful projects: building zenmama; creating a space where I could process my experience and connect with other mothers, and sourcing for ethical ways to earn a keep (something I’m still working on).

4. Celebrating small wins

Even when the day doesn’t seem terribly productive, celebrate every small task you’ve done for yourself. These small accomplishments helped rebuild my confidence when job rejections were piling up.

5. Connecting with other mothers

Finding a community of women going through similar transitions helped me feel less isolated. Whether online or in-person, these connections validated my feelings and provided practical advice.

6. Treasuring the new moments

While I missed having my little one around all day, I discovered new joys––like watching him grow and seeing his independence blossom each day.

7. Redefining success on your terms

Success doesn’t have to mean earning a specific income or achieving particular career milestones right away. Sometimes success is maintaining your wellbeing, being present for your child, and taking small steps toward your goals.

8. Finding your support system

My husband has been my backbone and confidant, keeping me grounded when I felt overwhelmed over constant job rejections, and low self-worth. He’d remind me that these rejections aren’t a reflection of me, but rather mismatches of timing and opportunity. His perspective has helped me see that rejection isn’t the essence of who I am, but merely temporary roadblocks on a longer journey.

The path forward isn’t always clear, but I’m learning to embrace the uncertainty with more self-compassion. Some days still end in tears, but increasingly, they end with small accomplishments and renewed determination. Brick by brick, I’m rebuilding not just what I do, but who I understand myself to be.

Embracing the journey

While this process of self discovery is ongoing, tiny achievements have helped me feel stronger! I’ve learnt that the journey isn’t linear. I still struggle with feeling “behind” or wondering if I’ve made the right choices. But I’ve learnt that motherhood and personal identity aren’t opposing forces––they’re interconnected parts of who I am. As my child grows in independence at school, I’m growing too! Rediscovering passions and developing new skills that make me not just a better mother, but a more fulfilled person.

This chapter isn’t about leaving “mum” behind. It’s about expanding what that role means, and becoming whole again––not just for ourselves, but for the little eyes watching us grow. Be brave, mama. You’re not behind. You’re exactly where you’re meant to be.

If you’re a mum in a similar place, I see you. I’d love to hear your story––leave a comment or share this with someone who might need to hear it today.

** This is my personal experience as a stay-at-home mother facing job rejections and finding my footing after my toddler started preschool. **