zenmama

As I dove into motherhood, I found myself with two jobs; the first being a full-time mother, which I love, and the second being a part-time dairy farm, expressing milk for my child. I had a love-hate relationship with the latter. While I loved that my body could produce the necessary nutrients for my child, the physical, emotional, and mental struggle that came with breastfeeding was not pleasant. These struggles are not unique to me, I’m sure, but I feel it’s not something widely spoken about and felt the need to share my story in hopes that it might help you.

Breastfeeding struggles: the physical

The physical pain that comes with breastfeeding is possibly the most common complaint amongst my mummy-friends. Sore, cracked, and bruised nipples tend to form from the little one’s suckling motion, and oh boy did it hurt! I used GAIA nipple balm or Silver Nursing Cups to soothe the pain, but it was only temporary. When the next feed or pump came, the pain would double as it rubbed against an already open wound. I struggled with the pain from his suckling and my toes would curl up, as I forced down a scream at each feed. It felt like a dozen paper cuts slicing my nipple at each feed, and I found myself not looking forward to breastfeeding my little milk monster because of the pain.

Besides the pain, my child couldn’t latch on to my nipples as they were the incorrect shape. Surprisingly, not all nipple shapes lend themselves well to a good latch. Hence I used a nipple shield in the hopes that it would help the little one latch better. It worked, but continued to hurt due to the friction between my nipple and the shield. When the pain got too bad, I would take a break and express milk with my trusty Imani i2 Plus breast pump on the lowest setting. At least the mechanical suction didn’t hurt as much. I endured the pain for three months. Thereafter, I decided to free myself from his latch, and fed him only expressed milk.

While that was great at first, and I was freed from the pain from his suckles, it was more time consuming. As my child grew older and more mobile, the real challenge was keeping him alive while I expressed the milk. Boys somehow think the laws of gravity don’t apply to them. The Imani i2 Plus was sold to me as a hands free pump, but I was still physically constrained and had to be stationary, as I had to hold the pumps with my hands as it got heavier later into the pump session. I also had to pour the expressed milk into collection bags or a baby milk bottle after each pump, all while watching my child. It was easier in the beginning, but as he grew older and mobile, the more challenging it got, as I constantly worried for his safety. Since he would constantly attempt to crawl off the mattress, tumble mid-crawl, or face plant onto the playmat and be unable to flip back over. The physical and mental strain was real – how was I going to continue caring for my active little one; who had no regard for his safety, all on my own in the day while my dairy farm was running?

It wasn’t just feeding him or keeping him alive. When he slept, there was a small window of not more than an hour and a half for me to housekeep (i.e. wash up baby bottles and pump parts and attend to household chores) or care for my own personal well-being (eating or resting). Mummies are encouraged to rest while their child is sleeping. Indeed, but how? I was alone at home in the day about 85% of the time on the weekdays, and it was a huge struggle for me to keep my head above all the chaos, attend to household chores, and not break down from not being able to keep up, since I couldn’t find the time to feed myself or rest up. But yet, for my child I felt I couldn’t falter. I needed to be a strong pillar of support for my growing child. I suppressed my emotions and pressed on.

Some would ask, if it was so difficult to juggle breastfeeding, household chores, and my sanity, why didn’t I stop breastfeeding completely? Honestly, despite all the hardships, I took pride that my body could produce the nutrients and milk (no matter how low my supply was) for my child. I loved that my body could do it, and I would do it again.

Breastfeeding struggles: the emotional and mental

What I struggled most with was how much I allowed other people to infiltrate my already vulnerable mental and emotional state. So many times people would question me about my milk supply, if I was still breastfeeding, and lecturing me about the importance of breastfeeding. I wanted to prove them that I could supply the milk. I wanted to be a ‘good enough’ mother; I wanted them to see it in hopes that the questions would stop and to have some respect for not just my body, but for a woman’s body. I felt uncomfortable and angry at these people who discussed my body freely like an object, like its sole purpose was to serve my child, and I wanted them to stop.

I wanted so badly for people to understand that a mother’s breastfeeding journey differs from person-to-person; I didn’t want to be labelled as ‘a bad mum’ simply because I struggled with my milk supply, or even be compared to other mothers who might have had more successful breastfeeding journeys.

Determined, I began sourcing for foods that boosted my milk supply, like cookies and teas from Singapore Lactation Bakes, almond butter and milk from 2NutGuys, cooking succulent fatty meats (pork belly and salmon), indulging in bowls of green papaya fish soup, or copious amounts of soya milk. These foods did boost my milk supply, but sadly, it was only temporary. I hoped that if I boosted my milk supply, the talking would stop.

Happier times

Despite boosting my milk supply with these foods, the questions and talk about my breastfeeding habits didn’t stop. But as the months progressed, it got more and more tiresome, and I decided it wasn’t worth my sanity. It was better that I left my milk supply to fate. I saw that my little family was suffering from my unhappiness, since I was more concerned about boosting my milk supply and seeking validation from others, that I lost sight of the model I should not only be to my child and my husband, but also more importantly to myself. 

Which begged the question: who was I beyond this milk-making? And why was I concerned about what other people thought of me? I decided it was healthier mentally and emotionally to just do the best I could, while I could. I needed to find my footing once again. It was better that I spend my efforts on learning to love myself and acknowledging that I’m not just a mother, or a wife, but digging deeper to find joy in things I loved before becoming a mother — things that made me, me, and things that gave me purpose. With this shift in mentality, I saw my family become happier, and I felt the burden lift off my shoulders.

Ten months after my child’s birth, my supply steadily dropped from an average of 150ml (5oz) each pump, three times a day to a miserable average of 50ml (1.7oz) a pump per day, and no matter what I took to boost it, it just wouldn’t increase! My supply naturally depleted just before my child’s first birthday. It was a bittersweet moment, but I couldn’t be more ready to close those barn doors to my dairy farm and focus on building our lives together as one small, but happy family.

No goodbyes

If you ask, if we’ve a second child, would I choose to breastfeed despite all the hardships faced with my first? I would say, yes, without a doubt. I’m well aware that the challenges will be different, and possibly more challenging as compared to the first. But I would like to think that since I’ve already done it, what’s there to lose? – My sanity, again? Parenthood as I’ve learnt is a game of trial and error; you never truly know if what you’re doing is right. In fact, it may never be truly right or wrong. We just simply have to nurture our child the best we could. Personally, I’ve had to constantly remind myself that no child is the same – and strive to be encouraging and patient when nurturing my child, and trust that he would embark on life with bravery and perseverance.

As I take my leave on this story, I have a couple of things I’d love to add:

Dear expecting mamas, not everyone faces traumatic breastfeeding issues. Breastfeeding is sacred between you and your offspring and the experiences differ from mama to mama. Please don’t pressure yourself into exclusively breastfeeding. It’s really okay to feed your child formula milk – as I’ve read, the current day formula milk can be just as good as breastmilk!

If you’re a breastfeeding mama, please know this, you’re doing an amazing job! If you’re facing harsh comments from other people, like I was, please know that you’re enough. xx

* This article is my personal account on breastfeeding *